Ender's Spoof

[Queen~Tigeress]

Ok, here's my shot at a spoof story. Just to get everyone's attention, I'm going to list everyone's name who is in it: Ender, Tigeress, Corran, Lancer, MasterJedi, ewok, gannar, falken. The setting takes place in modern times/middle ages/Post Columbian times/whenever.

Oh btw most of this is coming from the "what do you think about a name" thread. And a little bit of my own observations.

Scene 1: Jedi Castle

The Narrorator is suffering from a incurable symptom of lack of creativity, and is thus requesting the reader to just take a tall tower and make it all gloomy and scary.

Stale Cookie crawls up the circling stairs in what to most people would consider to be an overexaggeratingly heroic effort. But if people knew his character and his abilities, and what he had previously gone through, they would still think that he was crawling up the stairs in an exaggeratingly heroic effort, trying to gain the sympathy of the reader. He reaches the top, stretches his hand to the door, opens it, and then stands up as if he had just had a energy boost, angry at the stupid narrorator for making the readers not feel sorry for him.

In the center of the room, with 4 stacks of books surrounding him, and wearing glasses that look as if they could pick up radar, Lord.Ender the Hegemon was taking notes and reading a horrifyingly large book on Socrates. He didn't so much as look up from his work at Lancer's.....um...arrival.

Stale Cookie shouted, "SITH IS ATTACKING THE JEDI REALM!"
Ender: Not now, I'm busy trying to decifer the 12 dimensions..
Lancer: HE'S BURNING TOWNS AND VILLAGES ALL ALONG THE BORDERS!!!"
Ender: *muttering to self*...I've almost got it, the secret to the very existance of mankind....
Lancer: HE'S KILLED MANY OF OUR SOLDIERS! HE'S ALREADY CUT OFF OUR LINE OF COOKIE SUPPLIES *begins to cry*
Ender::...Dualism has proven concise in every aspect of the materialistc world: conception and termination, amelioration and stagnation, but what of the next dimension....?
Lancer: oh by the way he called you a chicken.

At this pont the eyeglasses on Ender's face would have
shattered, if they had had any lens in them.


"WTF, that NOOB CALL ME A CHICKEN? THIS IS WAR! I'LL KILL THAT NOOB JUST FOR CONSIDERING CALLING ME A CHICKEN!!!!!! I'LL....."
As Lord.Ender the Hegemon rants on, Stale Cookie begins to look at a doorway. He begins to jump up and down and gets a very hungry look on his face.
Lancer: um...
Ender:....BURN HIM AT THE STAKE....
Lancer: errr....
Ender: ...WANT HIM TO DIE SLOWLY...
Lancer: daaaaaaaa
Ender: ...WILL PERSONALLY SET THE FIRE IN HIS FLESH...
Lancer: Lord.Ender the Hegemon!!!!
Ender: WHAT? Oh, fine, go ahead
By the time Lord.Ender the Hegemon had said "fine," there was already a hole the size of Stale Cookie (about 2 feet) in the doorway that Stale Cookie had been looking at, and through that hole could be seen Stale Cookie swimming through a large pool of 10 year old cookies.
Pause
"Hmmm." Lord.Ender the Hegemon said not so thoughtfully, "I think I'll put on my wizard's robes disappear for a couple of weeks so I can be all mysterious and people will wonder where I am so then I can make a heroic and epic entrance during some random moment." puts on the robes and flys out the window, knocking out an unexpected ewok who fell on Falken, making him paranoid of teddy bears ever since.

Scene II: QRA Castle

On request of narrorater, just make a castle with pretty flowers and fairies in it.

"WTH AGAIN?!" yells tigeress as she once again loses her queen to Lord.Corran in a classic game of chess. Lord.Corran only smiled, shrugged, and waited her turn so he could pwn her again.

Suddenly she sighed, "Corran, can you get me something from the fridge? I'm hungry." Lord.Corran silently slips away from the table and heads to the fridge. He opens it and finds ewok inside sitting in a lawn chair with sunglasses and flip flops, drink in hand. Lord.Corran yells, "You want some ewok?" "Aren't we saving it for dinner?" Replied Tigeress. Lord.Corran shrugged and grabebd a sandwich instead, along with a coke for himself. Tigeress yells, "I DON'T WANT THAT!" Lord.Corran sighs and goes back to the fridge, digging through.
Tigeress in the mean time rearranges the chessboard that conveniently places her pieces to take out corran's queen. When Lord.Corran comes back, he sits down and opens his coke.

After a quick glance at the cheessboard, Lord.Corran says amusingly
"Last move my king was on this side of the board, now it's on the other side of the board, I wonder how that happened." He then holds up a sign with the facial expression: ^.^. The fridge opens and pops out a sign: "ROFL Ow3d."
"Your move," says Tigeress, "You have no hope of winning this time Lord.Corran."
Lord.Corran looks at the board for a couple of seconds, moves a pawn, then states, "checkmate." Ewok holds up a sign that says, "Ender likes eggs."

"YOU....YOU!!!!" slaps Lord.Corran. Puts hands to to mouth, "OH I'M SO SORRY Lord.Corran! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!"
"Yes, I'm sure you were just intending to swipe away a fly on the chessboard." Tigeress puts on a michevious expression.

"One more game, I promise this'll be the last."
"That's what you said 2 games ago."
"I need to develop a new strategy..." At this point the narrorator laughs at tigeress for reasons unknown to the reader.
"That's what you said 4 games ago..."
"I order you to play one more game with me!"
"Um, ok i gtg AFK."
"Wth, you can't go AFK, this is the real world....hey wtf where'd you go?! You were just here! Oh well" Goes to check QRA forums on computer.

MasterJedi bursts through the door, "YOUR MAJESTY, SITH IS ATTACKING THE JEDI REALM!"
Tigeress turns her head, "does that include us?"
"umm....err...well yeah I think so..."
"Omg, "Lord.EnderTheHegemon?" the arrogance of the man!" Giggles to herself.
"SITH IS ONLY A FEW DAYS AWAY FROM THIS VERY CASTLE!!!!"
"Let's see how he likes being called Zorry, ROFL".
"HE'S ALREADY DESTROYED THE STATUE OF THE FOUNDER DARKKNIGHT!"
"OW!!" cries tigeress
"OMG TIGERESS ARE YOU OK? ARE YOU HURT?"
"I broke a nail" whimpers tigeress.
"9111!!!!! SOMEONE CALLL 911!!!!!"
"Oh wait nvm it was just my cell phone, snapped in half, wasn't my nail." MasterJedi sighs in relief.
"Oh yeah, Sith has also destroyed the monument dedicated to Tchdwn the conqueror."
"Good riddance" says tigeress as she get's another cell phone from the drawer, "Now I can scream and be frustrated all I want without him coming back from the grave and making truthful comments on how much I scream and get frustrated."
"Anything that will please you my Queen."

"Oh look, Corran's posted something funny about Gannar's post..."
"Oh yeah Sith thinks you're a little white sissy girl."

Computer, cellphone, and Corran's coke shatter. "WTF THE NOOB THINKS I'M A LITTLE WHITE SISSY GIRL HOW DARE HE I SHALL SLAP HIM MYSELF MAKE HIM WISH HE'D NEVER BEEN BORN I....!!!!

"My queen?"
"...BLACK AND PROUD OF MY HERITAGE....."
"Um, My lady?"
"...DISCRIMINATION! I SHALL HAVE Lord.Ender the Hegemon OR Lord.Corran...."
"Queen?"
"....UNTIL HE GET'S RED IN THE FACE...."
"MY QUEEN!"
"WHAT?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!"
"Remember your blood pressure."
"Oh, I broke a nail..."

[Queen~Tigeress]

Scene III, Sith and his soldiers

Sith
soldier
ewok

Due to an abrupt laziness that the narrator is suffering from at the point of this writing, he will simply say “lots of tents near QRA palace” To describe the setting.
“Ah yes, the circle is almost complete. My cunning plans are in motion. With ender thinking he’s a chicken, and tigeress a white sissy girl, the jedi realm will soon be mine!” Sith would have rubbed his hands with glee if they weren’t raised above his head in a not-so-normal manner, “Ender and Tigeress will come to face me, and when they do, they will fall into my cunning and evil trap that no nobody knows about.”
A soldier looks at sith with a stupid look on his face, “what plan be dat ey boss?”
“The one where we lead them into a small valley and machine gun them all at once.”
Soldier: “What’s a machine gun?”
Sith: “Um, not sure, just heard you use it to kill people with.”
Soldier: “Does it require bullets?”
Sith: “What are bullets?”
Solider: “idk, something I saw on the history channel”
Sith: “WHAT?
Soldier: idk, I have cable in my tent
Sith: wtf, how?!
Soldier: oh yeah, here’s my brighthouse bill
Sith: omg....w/e, ok then, Time to fulfill my evil secret plan that nobody knows....knew....have heard...about, give every solider a machine gun *Sith begins to rub his hands, about to say “muahahahahaha,” but instead cries out when he rubs them against a splinter he had gotten on one of the happy fairy trees at the QRA palace.
The solider looks at sith with a stupid expression, “ummmmmmm, where are the machine guns?”
“Good question! I was waiting for you to say that! They are....umm....they are....”
The soldier starts looking at his tent in boredom, losing interest in anything sith is saying. Sith says, “Um, did anyone say we had machine guns?” No reply, the soldier had already gone back to his tent to play Halo.
“OMFG, no one said we had machine guns! OMG OMG To hell with you narrator!” Sith takes out his knife to stab the soldier who was no longer there.”
“damn noobs...” he snarls.
Sith walks into his tent and thinks of a new plan that the narrator will actually care to write about.
As sith sits down and thinks, butterflies come zooming in and out of his tent; pink ones, happy ones, disgustingly girly ones, etc.
“Ender is a fool, he will fall for any bait I lay before him, but what shall I do when he takes it...?”
A teddy bear who was a cousin of ewok came in with ewok himself and started singing barney’s “I love you” song.
“Tigeress is irrational and can easily be swayed to do irrational things with a small comment on her race...OH MY GOD I can’t function in this happy environment! How can I be evil if my head is full of happy sing-alongs, pretty flowers and fairiess, and terrified gasps whenever Tigeress breaks a nail?! OMG, YOU ALL DIE!” Sith takes a blow torch and burns everything in the tent, or tries to. Everything that was burned to ashes turned into a “=(“, Ewok turned into a “ROFL”. Sith just sits there gaping.
Sith recovers himself and snarls, cursing and cussing every other word, his voice getting louder until no one could make sense of what he was saying. A solider comes into the tent, putting on a smiley face to protect himself from the blow torch still being used to melt the tent into a hail of frowny faces.
“Sir? We have concluded that our weapons are ineffective-“
“DO YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT ALREADY? I AM GOING TO BURN THIS PLACE DOWN....”
Soldier: “Sir, we were wondering if you wanted to join the LAN party we’re having in one of the tents...”
Sith:“...WILL MAKE THIS GIRLY FILTH STAINED WITH THE BLOOD OF TIGERESS....”
Soldier: um....
Sith: “....WILL PERSONALLY GUT ANYONE WHO STANDS IN MY WAY...”
Soldier: “DARK LORD!”
Sith: “? CAN’T YOU SEE I’M IN A RAMPAGE? LEAVE ME BEFORE I TAKE THE SKIN OFF YOUR FLESH”
Soldier: “my skin would only turn into a frown...”
Sith ignored him and continued ranting on to himself. The soldier shrugs and goes to the LAN party and takes out his cell phone to order some pizza. Sith finally says to himself, “I need to get out of this ****ed up fairy land before I take a machine gun., oh stfu narrator, and blow my brains out. SOLIDERS, PREPARE FOR A RETREAT, WE ARE GOING FARTHER INLAND. THERE’S GOTTA BE SAFER PLACES THAN THIS!”




Scene III: {Jedi}Castle, general’s headquarters

Allcaps
Ganner
Lancer
Lord.Wolf
Pathen
Girl
Ewok
Corran

For some strange reason, the narrator has had an inspiration. A vision! Now he knows he can make a very detailed and sophisticated setting that even falken would be proud of! And here it is.......oh wait nvm.

Lord.Wolf: “Greetings, my name is Lord.Wolf and I am an ambassador from another land...”
Lancer:“...He’s going to tear the QRA palace apart if he hasn’t already!! We must find Ender so we can stop this madness...”
Allcaps: “...Who cares about the QRA Palace? They’re just a bunch of noobs. I say we lead sith into a valley and machine gun them to...”
Lord.Wolf “Um...my name is Lord.Wolf and I would like to speak to someone who cares...?”
Pathen: “BOYS! Sith isn’t all as bad as you think! He can easily be overtaken...” Pathen holds up a sign that says “rawr.”
Lancer speaks in a tone similar to a father who had lost his son in a war, “He stole my cookies from me....”
Allcaps pounds his fists on his knees, “He cussed in front of my mom! I’m in trouble now, HE WILL PAY! IMA SPY ON HIS CAMP...”
Pathen, “We can’t worry about sith! He’s a nuisance, he can be delt with in due time, there are other matters...”
Ganner slams his fist on the table, “Everyone stfu now!” He gasped and gaped when they actually listen to him. He recovered himself and said, “ok now stand over there, WAY over there.” They do so. Ganner waves his hand in a dismissal manner and says, “ok w/e you can kill each other now.”
As the fight begins, ganner turns back to Lord.Wolf and says, “yes?”
Lord.Wolf stopped gaping at Girl who was gaping at everyone who was fighting, “Why yes, um, I am an ambassador and I was told Ender was here...?
“Ganner almost laughed, “He’s doing one of those disappearing-so-i-can-be-mysterious things he does like every other day. Don’t expect him back for another couple of days.”
“Um, who’s in charge..?”
“I am” replied Corran, who just bearly missed ewok who was wildly hurled at him from the fight going on at the other side of the room, “Yeah, we’re not dealing with...foreign affairs at this time.”
“Well, I’ve had a long trip and I wondered if I could stay for a couple of days..?”
“Do you really want to?” Said Corran, looking at what was left of the other side of the room. Girl had already fainted.
“Um...err...not really, I think I’ll go stay at an inn...or something, kthxbye AFK”
Corran rolls his eyes at the people fighting, gathers up girl, and leaves the room, leaving a “Enter at your own risk” sign on the door.
Ganner looks at his watch, wait for it...wait for it...now. Lancer, ewok, and allcaps lay unconscious on the floor. Pathen, unscathed, whipes her hands on allcap’s shirt.
Ganner looks at her and says, “wtf how did you win?!”
“Oh really, would you hit a girl?” Pathen holds up a sign “=P”, and leaves the room.
Allcaps stirs and mumbles, “Lag.” Lancer says something about being doubleteamed, ewok was already gone.
Well, I guess I’ll go tell the soldiers the plan, w/e the hell that is...”

[Queen~Tigeress]

Random Scene: Ender asking for directions

“Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.”
Luke snarled, “He told me enough. He told me you killed him!”
“No son...................I am your father.”
Luke, “No......it’s not true............THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!”
Vader, “Search your feelings, you know it to be true!”
Luke, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!”
Ender, “Excuse me? I think I’m slightly lost, I’m looking for the Flying Dutchman....” “Join me, Luke, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son. Join me, it is the only way....AH WTH.” Vader turns around to see what slapped him on the cheeks, and saw a dude with blonde hair wearing what looked like a black bathrobe with an obnoxiously large smile on his face.
Ender, “HI THERE! Now that I have your attention, I’m looking for...”
Vader, “Wth was that for? I have a red mark on "Yeah Right" now!”
Ender hides the bat behind himself, “Um, sorry I was trying to brush a fly off your back...”
“WITH A STEEL CLUB?!!?!?!” Enders nearly fell off the rail from vader’s awesomeness. “What? Oh THIIIIIS...” Ender laughs rather nervously, throws the bat over, and throws his hands up. “How did that get there...?”
Vader turns on his lightsaber
“Well um, I offer my most sincere apology...”
Vader takes one step forward.
“Um, yeah...um.....yeah if you could be so kind as to tell me where I could find...?” Vader raised the lightsaber above his head. “OMGOSH LOOK A DISTRACTION OVER THERE SEE IT?”
Vader turns around, and when he turns back, All he saw was a streak that looked curiously similar to a guy running with his hands up in the air screaming like a little girl.
“Noob,....anyways...” he turned to find that Luke was already gone.
“omg H@x0r!”

[Queen~Tigeress]

Scene V: Tigeress travels to {Jedi} Palace

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY LIMOSUINE?!?” fumed Tigeress, looking with contempt at the horse and carriage prepared for her departure to the {Jedi} palace so she can establish her evident superiority and importance that few can deny without being slapped to death over there, “I am Queen! And I demand my air-conditioned space, laptop, free pizza...”
“We were unable to acquire any of the above items listed my Queen” said masterjedi anxiously “If I could sacrifice my life for your leisure, I would do so without the slightest hesitation...”
“WHERE IS MY LIMOSUINE?!!!?!”
“We believe that Ender is currently using it..”
“Wth how did he get it?!”
“I think the narrator gave it to him.” steam begins to visibly form around tigeress’s ear. “but don’t worry my queen! These are the finest horses in all of QRA!”
“Someone is going to pay...dearly”
MasterJedi tries to look somewhere else, but couldn’t look anywhere without seeing the steam growing larger.

Later...

Moving at a pace of 5 miles an hour, the Queen sits in her carriage cursing Ender, the narrator, and most importantly, her lack of phone service.
“Omg How can I hold 17 conversations at once if I can’t use my cell phone this is outrageous I..” An old tractor chugs away, passing by the carriage “... am being neglected and as your queen I demand your perfect attention to all my needs I...” A 1920 Rolls Royce nearly crashes into the carriage “...shall order ender to give me my limousine back, and idc if he has more power than me I...” a little 7 year old kid rolls by on a scooter “...shall rip siths thoat out for insulting my race I...” Ewok waves as he drives by in his 2006 Jaguar XK Convertible “...expect the narrator to fall on his knees begging for my forgiveness or I shall slap him I...” This goes on for several hours, to the “happiness” of MasterJedi.

Arriving at the {Jedi} Castle...MUCH later...

“...Shall have everyone in the {Jedi} Realm give me chocolate for not giving me enough polish remover I...”
MasterJedi: “My Queen...”
Tigeress: “...Corran will see to it that I have everything I need once I get to the castle or someone’s gonna pay I...”
MasterJedi: “My Queen we have arrived”
Tigeress: “...slap him till he’s red in the face OH WE ARE good I’m getting sick of listening to you talk you never shut up”
MasterJedi: Yes my queen, I am relieved that you will not have to suffer the burden anymore.”
Tigeress: “Where is my royal escort?!”
MasterJedi: We never asked for one
Tigeress: I should not HAVE to!
Masterjedi: Here comes predalien and ganner...
Tigeress: Where is Ender I’m more important than anything he needs to do I demand his presence!
Ganner: He’s not here
Tigeress: Then I demand corran!
Predalien: He’s assemblying the army against Sith
Tigeress: yes that’s almost as important as me I want to destroy sith for what he said about me but he must do it over here where I am I will not move from this carriage until I have a proper escort!
Ganner whispers to Pred: I’ve never seen someone talk so fast before
Tigeress: WELL?
MasterJedi suddenly became interested in something that required him to move VERY far away from the carriage.
Ganner whispered to pred, then says, “Wait here for a minute, we’ll check back with you in a sec.”
“Don’t make me wait too long” warned tigeress, holding up a sign with “-.-“ on it.

Corran’s headquarters:

“She has the maturity of a 5 year old with ADD/HD” Glowered Ganner as he told corran what happened. Predalien just sat there partly amused at the whole thing.
Corran raised an eyebrow, “isn’t that something you should have expected ? Anyways, it’s very easy to fix this problem.” He goes to the computer and types “Tigeress has entered the room” Corran laughs, “I love how chat works in the real world.”
“WTF how did I get here I demanded an escort not to be forcibly moved I will-“
“TIGERESS, now is not the time.” Said predalien and corran at once. Tigeress gaped, lost for words at having been interrupted and ordered all in one day, let alone at once, and by 2 people on top of it.
Corran recovered himself before pred, “I’ve made the preparations and assembled the army, the soldiers now need to hear what you have to say.”
“I’m more important...”
“Tigeress, this army was assembled FOR you” Corran lied, “Our intelligence reported that sith has indeed insulted you and we have made your revenge our first priority. We need you to tell the soldiers that you acknowledge them.” Predlalien and ganner gaped at corran. Allcaps, who was standing close by, was trying to hold in his laughter.
Tigeress said gleefully, “Oh, I LOVE YOU CORRAN! I knew that at least you cared enough to fulfill my needs =)” *MasterJedi chokes*. Tigeress kisses corran on the cheek, “I shall inform the army immediately.” She runs to the barracks, demanding every guard she passed to escort her.
Allcaps was already on the floor laughing. Ganner looked at corran, “Why in God’s name did you do that?”
Corran shrugged, “Guess you’re not old enough to understand.”
“wtf yes I am”
Corran, “sorry, narrator’s being lazy again ^.^”
Ganner: ...

[Queen~Tigeress]

Scene VI: Sith at Nightmare Lake

“Omg wtf is up with this land? I’ve never tried to conquer any land as F***ed up as this one!” Sith was at the pedal trying to make the Galleon ship go faster. After escaping the QRA palace they had been avalanched by a mountain of angry ewoks, narrowly escaping with his “invincible” and “undefeatable” army. After reaching a jungle, They had had the unfortunatcy of being the first to meet not only Bigfoot, but his uncle, his aunt, his grandparents...Didn’t take them very long to start running from a horde of insanely large monkeys. After that they had nearly been massacred by Dora the Explorer when she mistakened Sith for a 6 year old kid having a temper tantrum (he was screaming at the stupidity of his soldiers) and started doing sing-alongs. Few survived this horrific episode. They bearly reached reached Lake Nightmare, and were now sailing away in fear of the man-eating Telly Tubbies, who only wanted to play hide and seek.

Sith was not having a good day

Soldier: “Um my evil Dark Lord highness...w/e, I have some news that will cheer you up.
Sith: “YESSS!!!!!!! I knew it! The circle is now complete, not all hope is gone, we still have a chance. When did Tigeress and Corran die, my mercenaries will be well rewarded for their loyal services...”
Soldier: “Oh, both assassins failed, I just wanted to say that the pizza was here.”
Sith: “wtf how?”
Soldier: “They’re having a row boat come with the pizza guy...”
Sith: “NO I MEAN HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE FAILED?!!”
Soldier: “Oh, well the one who was going to assassinate tigeress got ran over by a 2006 Jaguar XK Convertible. And the one that was about to kill Corran during a {Jedi} meeting got hit in the face by a thrown ewok and plunged 8 stories from a window to his death. I hope they remembered to order extra cheese...”
Sith’s hand kept jerking to his knife as the soldier talked. If he had been in a good mood he would have already stabbed him. Must...remain...calm.
And this was Sith when he was calm, “Get me a large triple cheese or I will rip off your testicles and make you use them to wash the deck.”
“Um, sure thing boss.”
Sith turns his head foreshadowingly towards the open waters in a manner that the narrator is far too lazy to go into any extensive detail in.
They will come to me, thought sith, I am one of the finest ship captains, my strength is on the sea, I will let them come to me.
The Telly tubbies get bored and start trashing sith’s elegant robes that they stole while he was taking a shower.

[Queen~Tigeress]

I must say that ender's spoof still makes me laugh. It must have shelf life

[Corran]

I cant even be bothered re-reading my own stories let alone enders

[Queen~Tigeress]

Bah do it >.>

[Corran]

I refuse to reread this spoof for the 4th time!

[Queen~Tigeress]

Fine get other's to read it

[ender]

I still have one that I never published, and i can't find it.

[Quest]

Uuuummm... lol?

[×Path'en×]

lmao those still make meh laugh even after all this time :3